Digging Deep

Sometimes I’m tired, tired to the core, tired of having to yell just to hear myself over the noise, tired of having to physically impede a child’s movement to simply have their attention. 

Kids don’t understand that.  Little ones, sweet as they are, do not magically straighten up and think, ‘Oh!  I’ll bet mom doesn’t want to yell again, I should probably stop and listen.’  They make us keep working, keep digging.  And sometimes all of that work makes me break down and wonder if all of that work is worth it.  Really worth it.

The reward is so much sweeter when seen after the labor.  Digging deep, getting dirty, making mistakes and still coming out on the other side cleaner and with a better perspective, that is what makes things worth the effort. 

It’s great to have a good day, a day you sail right through.  It’s wonderful when things go well, and are easy for us.  But I don’t think that we appreciate them as much without the struggle that so often comes before the peace.

For me, this most often comes with my kids.  Let me start off by saying that by far, my kids are one of the biggest blessings imaginable.  But they are not easy.  They don’t make every waking moment a joy.  Sometimes it’s all I can do to not lock myself in the bathroom with my fingers in my ears and cry quietly to myself.  Then there are the times that I do hide in the bathroom.

I try to tackle each day remembering that the gifts that were entrusted to me are tender little hearts.  I try to remember that it’s my job to raise them, and train them, and teach them, not just to feed and clothe and love them (those are the easy parts).  When I remember this I feel a new sense of purpose.  Feeding their bodies and their spirits, I find that I am no longer locked in a cage with munchkins.  My whole world just opened up.

 

“This ‘Now’ with the children isn’t a cage, it’s the marrow.  Finally I have drilled, and drilled right to the Essence.”  Iris Krasnow

Prayerfully disciplining a child can be a profound moment, if not always for them, then for you.  It's hard to remember that your work and stress are all building towards their future.  To the future person they will be.  I hope that when my kids are older they will look back and think, ‘Wow, they must really love me, because that couldn’t have been easy.’  I hope that they will be thankful, one day, that we didn’t put up with the rude comments, the back talking, or the ‘whatever’ attitude.  I think they will be. 

But when you’re in the trenches, sometimes it’s hard to keep the big picture in mind.  I don't know about you, but most of the time, I just want to make it stop, whatever the current ‘it’ is. 

So I dig deep, pray constantly, and let Him show me His path.  I fail, and I try again.

I really want to just sit back for a while, soak in His plans for me and my children, and then get on with teaching them and raising them.  But that's not how it works.  I can't work out all of the kinks before I begin.

What strengthens me more than anything is remembering that I'm not in the trenches alone.  God himself has the hardest parenting job in the world, the most ungrateful children. 

While He patiently tends to my upbringing, I will try to patiently, prayerfully tend to the delightful little hearts in my care.